Foot-Matter

“If you had not committed great sins,
God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you.”

Sadly, there are people in the world without any one to love them enough to tell them their actions are not OK – maybe they just haven’t created a support group yet for that level of bizarre, inappropriate, or offensive conduct – but no matter the reason their repugnant behavior continues, the reality is that somewhere, someone gave them the idea that it was alright.

I am here to tell them that it is most definitely NOT alright.

As a general public, our wrong doings are seemingly never ending and reflect a creativity equal to Picasso (if only we could harness our power for good and not evil)…  However, smorgasbord of offenses aside,  there are some offenses so cliché that they must be removed from our list of topics:

We will not discuss the rubber testicles on the back of the Ford F150, men’s hairpieces, spray-on hair, clothes that are too small, Wal-Mart, “The Next Top Model”, Charlie Sheen, all things ‘State Fair’, skeevy guys at playgrounds, or Carrot Top. 

I will add to this list at a later time but at least for now, you get an idea of the foundation.  Our discourse is of a higher nature.  Together we will explore the realm of inappropriate etiquette born not just of bad style but of a deeper pathology.

This is the tragic story of a woman torn between a three-month contract at Bally’s Spa and the daily trauma of foamy, gray, hot tub foot -matter.

After her costly, almost daily, personal-trainer sessions, this woman would relax in the gym’s hot tubs – a perfect place to relax before heading into the showers… until The Foot Foamer showed up.  You see, each morning this not-so-gentleman would perch alone on the top step of one of the two hot tubs… furiously scrubbing gray foot-matter off his feet with a pumice stone, the residual skin cells and pumice bits frothing and foaming in the bubbling jet water of the public hot tub.

Adding insult to injury, the two gym hot tubs sat opposite one another, forcing anyone who tried to avoid the Foot Foamer’s foam to remain a hot-tubbing witnesses to his crime.

Every morning our traumatized victim would sit with two or three other people doing their best to pretend that all of their thoughts were not overwhelmed with the trauma of watching this horrifying public display and breach of the posted Pool Rules Hygiene sign.  The shame of not confronting the Foot Foamer overwhelmed them all, each avoiding eye contact with one another and the Foot Foamer.

Front desk staff was notified – the young girl behind the counter declaring, “Ewwww, that’s gross!”  – but still nothing changed.  Each morning our victim would head to the pool area and each morning the Foot Foamer would be there scrubbing away, gray foamy bubbles circling all around him. Maybe it would have made a difference if our victim had confronted him head on.  But why should she be forced to confront this foamy-foot-perp… or more drastic still, forfeit her gym membership? What of her pain and suffering? (Almost fifteen years later she is still unable to take advantage of all gym amenities – triggered by the horror of public pools – always wondering, “What happened in the pool this morning?” )

Our victim needed the support of her community – to see them rise up in anger against her oppressor.

You see, an assault of this magnitude deserves retribution – biblical style. And it is because of these types of situations that I suggest that we create a new version of public stoning.

For centuries public stoning has been used as one of the harshest forms of punishment.  It is still used today in several countries, and mostly results in death – a definite breach of human rights laws. I don’t condone such harsh and cruel punishment.  The goal of punishing the Foot Foamer is not permanent harm to the offender, so much as a healthy step towards reducing his opprobrious behavior.

Pummeling the Foot Foamer with his own pumice would send a message.  Pumice stones are light and would most likely leave (almost) no bruising – the Foot Foamer would understand the intent of this punishment without significant bodily harm and would effectively improve our odds against being witness to another such display of abhorrent choices.

Additionally, it will provide community education for other wayward souls who are also alone in the world with no one to tell them to STOP IT.

Think of it as an intervention of sorts – the Foot Foamer can continue his nasty, frothy foot scrubbing in the privacy of his own bathroom, and we, the public, could sleep a little better knowing that tomorrow we will finally be able to sit in the hot tub – free from trauma – able to fully enjoy all that our 90-day introductory gym membership offers.