What kind of world would this be…

I am a man.

And I do manly things. Beef jerky, chewin’ tobacco. Not really chew, because that’s gross. And jerky is more of a time-and-place sort of snack. Regardless,

I am a dude.

And therefore, I am not a woman. Though I do wear a lot of purple, which is not a bad thing, at all! It really brings out my hair color, which is very important when your eyes don’t have as much–

I am a bro.
And as such, I am entitled to a bro’s opinion. About, well, anything. I know about video games, man, I know about bacon. I can tell you all about the original 151 Pokemon – their heights, their weights, their weaknesses. I can expound for days on the topic of boxers v.s. briefs, the sensitive complexity of mustache grooming, or the best way to cook anything in a microwave.

Now, glitter.. nuh-uh. I can’t talk about hair extensions or dyes; and the only period in my conversations is at the end of a sentence. And bras–!
Wait: I did watch Oprah, and I do understand how important it is to find the right one in the right size, and I can’t believe how many young women today haven’t been educated about the difference between a fitted bra and–

I have muscles.

And even though I may not have soft skin or boobs or the ability to kiss scratches and make them feel all better, I appreciate all of those things. Because what kind of world would this be without boobs?